A goodbye

Sigh. I guess I knew this was coming. But avoided it.

 I'm the girl that once I meet you and get to know you a bit, I'm sold. This is good and bad. I try to reflect God in all I do, and portray His character. I bear his name, so I am {mostly} intentional about checking myself and being a good witness.

This means cultivation of "I'll never leave nor forsake you".

I have a hard time "letting people go. " I don't know why. I'm just in the mindset of not leaving someone out in the cold or alone in the battle. I'm a firm believer in community. This can get has gotten me in trouble. I fall into the trap of not caring for my self, not refreshing the well, and either being empty or full of stagnant water.

I love fiercely  and hurt deeply when the relationship ends- especially due to preventable offense.

I have hung on to relationships that were toxic either due to blindness, or in hopes of change, or being a catalyst for that change.

This has cost me dearly. Friends. Jobs.  Sleep. Health. Dignity. Self esteem. Time I can't get back with my family. Peace. Joy. On and on.

Even the toxic  relationships I've ended and cried over I still miss them.

I miss you. I miss the jokes. The laughs. The good times. What I know as the "Real" you. I don't miss the abuse. I don't miss the manipulation. I wish things were different. I wish I didn't miss you. Itd make it easier. I wish I could move on. I wish You could  could  see how much you're loved , so you wouldn't be so offended  and sad and stressed and uptight and hurt and hurt others. I know - now- that hurt people hurt people. If you're lashing out its to release the pain you feel inside. I wish I was still allowed in your life to help you. To pray with you. To love on you. To let you know how much you're adored. How much potential you have. To not give up. To not push people away.  That brokenness is beautiful. That community is messy. And that's ok. It's supposed to be that way. I'm ok with your mistakes and growth in progress, and mine. I just wish you were. I miss you. I miss your unique piece of the Father in my life. I miss learning from you. Serving you and with you. Your insight in the Word. Sigh. I feel incomplete.

But yet oddly complete in Him. He's never left me hanging. He's more than faithful. I earnestly pray that you've began the journey of knowing his pursuit of you. Of His Good heart and thoughts towards you. Of His perfect plan. Of His redemption, grace and mercy.

But still. I miss you.

I can't wait to truly fellowship with   you again, even if it's not until it's for all eternity. I love you. I'm praying  for you.